Ok, let’s begin this shit. I’m actually excited for this roast because unlike last season, most of this cast actually has personality (so I just started by roasting Minke, Gavin and Richie, oops).
First we have everyone’s favorite sweetheart, Eddie Ratchet! Now our friend here was really upset because of the low placement he got, but honestly it didn’t surprise me at all when that happened, I mean, while everyone else is out there making alliances, what is Eddie doing? Well, talking about buying purple dildos (Btw, I found one at a really cheap price, here you go buddy http://www.amazon.com/Tantus-Acute-Dildo-Midnight-Purple/dp/B000PHJB26) and doing “research” about international measures of the penis size (Got you covered my friend, yahoo has the answer https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080209045029AAT9Svs). Hopefully that will cheer you up after your embarrassing performance here on Eden’s ORG, no need to thank me!
Aww, he looks happier already! Ok, so too much time on someone who was here for only like 5 minutes, moving ooon….
Umm, I guess her name is KG? CJ? Oh, KJ, yeah whatever, apparently she was one of the few irrelevants of the season
Since I’m such a nice guy, I took the time to find some info about you and turns out you’re a lovely hag, great, I like hags! Oh, and also you seem to be obsess with cats! How unpredictable of you! I don’t see many pics of the kids though, you must be busy.
So cat lady, sorry if I came off as rude to you, let me make it up to you, not often do we see hags in this community so I decided to give you a gift!
Enjoy!
Now we have platypus look-alike Perry! Perry is really great, but sadly he was totally blindsided in this game. Apparently his idea of an all returnee season was a bit different from ours, and all because of Flop Island, Resurgence.
No Perry :( sorry but no one here was offered to come back in return of letting you win the season, we are not as desperate as the cast of Resurgence… Oh, and speaking of, guess what I found, the cast photo of that season!
That’s you and all of your friends! You guys look cute :’)
Ok, so now I am really confused. It’s time for me to talk about the second irrelevant of the season but unlike LK I don’t really know who I’m exactly supposed to roast, is it Tadeo? Is it Ted? I literally tried looking for you on Fb and you were nowhere to be found, WHO ARE YOU? Were you ever even here?! Well, I’m sure you are a nice kid or adult or whatever
Awkward… Let’s move on to someone, not necessarily better but oh well, at least he was here: Ali!
Ali is such a sweet, loyal person. When he gives you his word and tells you every day how much he loves working with you, you just know you can trust him till the end
Or can you?!?!
Ali, I would say that it hurt, but the truth is we all knew you were a rat on Egypt, and you know what they say, once a rat, always a rat
But that’s not even the worst part about you, you are not just a regular rat, you are a thirsty one
That’s right, everyone knows you are as thirsty as a walrus. You stalk and weird people out, including your own friends!
Yikes, one less friend on your list I see. And another thing about Ali, is that even though he claims to be straight, it’s pretty obvious he’s too thirsty to focus on just one gender, why not all of them! Yeah, our little friend also has an (obsession) appreciation for current Alsace-Lorraine player Navneet. Sadly, we all know Ali will be left heartbroken once more :(
Keep dreaming henny, one day you’ll find love! Or a restraining order, oops.
Oooh Tommy, Tommy Tommy Tommy. Who here hasn’t had the pleasure of being in a group with him and getting adorable pic after adorable pic, isn’t it just the cutest spamming ever?
You just know you will never have a Tumblr account as awesome as Tommy’s, and you’ll just have to deal with it.
You know, most teenage kids that are the same age as Tommy are starting to think about their future, where they wanna go to college, what kind of jobs they would like to have, just the normal stuff, but not Tommy! He has one thing and only one thing on his mind, to turn 18 so he can find a sugar daddy!
Tbh, who are we to judge a young man’s dream in life? Tommy, go be happy!
I wish them nothing but happiness.
So my girl Minke was a really great social player back in Costa, she was a big threat to win the whole game actually. This season… let’s just say her not so sweet personality got in the way. Apparently she was ~bossy~ and ~opinionated~
But I’m sure those are only nasty rumors, it’s not like Minke was bitching about Richie being the worst winner ever all day every day of the game
Oh honey, I think I get why your closest ally turned on you so early on. This is just sad, so on a happier note, let’s talk about Gerda!
So my girl was truly robbed this season, I mean, it’s obviously Richie the big bad villain’s fault that she was VICIOUSLY taken out of the game
Don’t despair sweetie, things will get better. This is really sad though. I feel for you!
This is just too much, let’s go to the next one pls!
Dennis!! So I heard you consider yourself a pretty great cook, you claim to be the best of the best when it comes to cooking food on The Netherlands. Unfortunately, Minke and I were talking the other day and, sorry to break it to you, but she didn’t have nice things to say about the food you served to her.
I think I will stop asking you to send me cookies from now on… Oh, and guess who I met the other day, your friend Casey! Yeah, she had a lot of great advices to give for when I get to play with you again, just look at this idea she gave me in case I ever want to vote you out.
It’s such a shame this season didn’t have any parchments; I would have loved to send one just like this!
Ok, so the next one is Sam… You were the English bish, right? I mean, how would I ever know if you waited until THE FUCKING MERGE to add me on Facebook?!! Like dude, who do you think you are, the Queen of England?
Sorry to break it to you, but honey you are no queen. Let’s face it, you’re not even the Queen of Irrelevant Winners, we all know Richie has that title (oops, started earlier on him). So yeah, this is what you get for ignoring my Fb friends request for so long:
Next we have Gavin. Gavin here claims he’s a teenager, 16 y/o I believe. But there are some things that just don’t add up. Not only does he refuse to show his real identity, which is not all that rare, but he uses “shall” instead of will, he uses “query” instead of question. Is this really the language of a modern day teenage guy? Or is there something hidden behind it all? Well, me and some others decided to take it upon ourselves to find the TRUTH behind Gavin’s real identity, and guess what, we found a REAL picture of Gavin, whose real name is Geon and is a 56 year old man!!!!
Charade’s over dude, time to confess! No wonder Tommy has this weird fixation on you, you guys should talk more often!
Richie. If anyone is winning any popularity awards this season it should definitely be him, I mean, has someone here ever received as nice words as the ones Richie’s tribemates gave to him?
Or even nice gestures
But in all seriousness, Richie is not all that bad, in fact, I know for a fact he was feeling down about being the (second) most hated person on the season
Sadly for Richie, I don’t care enough about all of this, he can get tomates thrown at his face and I wouldn’t bat an eye. So let’s move on, shall we?
So next we have Solar. Have any of you noticed how Solar is just obsessed with Survivor hags? Of course you have, that’s all he talks about… Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good hag, but is Solar’s fixation on them maybe a bit unhealthy? Because something tells me there’s more to it, maybe he just has mommy issues!
Yeah, that must be it. I wonder what kind of mother Solar has that left him like this, maybe someone like this
Rough. I hope you can work through this soon enough, though knowing you it’s probably too late already
Ok, so I guess we need to discuss Will now. Rumor has it that not miss Will lost Japan because he cheated on a challenge! (And by rumor I mean I just didn’t care enough for Japan to follow it, and considering Lucas, Richie and Will were part of the “big” characters of the season, I am not surprised it’s considered a sucky season. Yawn)
But anyways yeah, so Will here might have been good at challenges, might have not
But don’t panic! Your reputation might have been tarnished but here on Eden’s ORG there will always be a home for you to come to
And you know, it’s not like you’re going to have the audacity to cheat AGAIN, am I right?
Oh well, I guess there’s no point in trying to help with that. Let’s just continue on with this thing.
Tyler! Now there’s no denying that Tyler is one of the greatest players of the community. I mean, as he would tell you even if you don’t ask, he has gone to FTC EIGHT TIMES, and he has won SIX OUT OF THOSE EIGHT TIMES! W o a h, very impressive, very impressive… I mean, for someone who has played in what, 40 ORGs? Meanwhile little sis Domonique not only won her first season on 703 but she also won on her first try on the main ORG!! Amazing really. So Tyler, how does it feel to know that no matter how hard you try you will NEVER be as good as Dom?
Damn, pretty hard stuff. I wanna talk about Matthew now.
Matthew, as you may know, my opinion of you during the post-merge wasn’t as high as it could’ve been. And we know at least one juror feels the same way
It’s ironic really, how someone like you who DESPISES Kass can easily just turn on her!
Tbh we all expected your winning chances to die after that move, BUT, I gotta admit you proved us all wrong, and you against all odds became a strategic and social threat to be reckoned with. I mean, who could forget how you won immunity, played an idol on one of your allies so my very own allies would send me home, failed on that, then gave me a disadvantage so I would lose immunity and you could send me home, then failed on that once again, and then got voted out by the very same allies that you kept safe with your idol just the previous round instead of keeping it to yourself and securing a spot in F4, something you clearly needed to do. Like I said, what a strategic mastermind!
Now onto the people still in the game, why not start with Szymon.
As you all know, Szy and I became really great friends this season; I mean the guy is great. Although I gotta admit there are some questionable traits that he possesses. Like thinking people who are not his allies would never lie to him.
Now I’m not calling Szy a naïve person, I can even admit that he’s a very observant person
So for Lucas I want us to take a look at the aspects of his game:
His social game is just on point, really a thing of beauty
His physical is even greater, I mean, he won one immunity! That required him to do absolutely nothing…
But his strongest suit is definitely his strategic game. I mean, the guy has had a hand in so many blindsides this season… Except for, you know, when he got easily voted out pre-merge in an unanimous vote.
Well, I guess that’s it guys! Hope you don’t take this the wrong way, it was all in good fun <3